I am chronologically challenged. I am usually late.
I try to fit too much to do into too little time to do it. How much multitasking can 5 minutes hold? One more thing?
Or, I realize something important that I forgot and have to go back to retrieve. Focusing my distracted ADD mind can be challenging .
Maybe I’m late because I was born at 11:23 am, and mornings have always been a bit rough for me.
They still are.
Whatever my reasons are for being late, and I usually have quite a few, I try to be on time. I try to be dependable. I try to be consistent.
Being late takes on a whole new meaning when you are attempting to conceive a child.
I wanted to be late.
And as usual, I was.
33 days went by without my period starting, so I bought a pregnancy test. I was excited as I waited for the double lines to appear, but they didn’t. The directions said to wait a couple of days and try the test again if your period didn’t start. I did. It was still negative. At day 38, my period came.
Over the next 8 months that my husband and I tried to conceive a child, I was late a lot. Each time, after the magical 28th day, I would become more hopeful. Each day that I was late, brought more certainty that I was pregnant.
But I wasn’t.
And I started to worry more, and fear that something was wrong with my body. I gained 30 lbs in a few short months. I was nauseous and dizzy. I had headaches and acne. I felt like I had the symptoms described in the pregnancy magazines I read.
But I wasn’t pregnant.
Then, I was really late.
I went 97 days without a period. The pregnancy tests were negative, and I knew at that point, there was something wrong with my body.
I went to my OB-Gyn and she listened to my symptoms. She told me that she wanted to do a few tests to confirm or rule out possible fertility issues. She scheduled blood work and ultrasound with a follow up appointment.
A few days, after a blood draw, I had my first of numerous ultra sounds. I had the tech explain to me what I was seeing on the screen, and then she suddenly stopped talking.
That’s never a good thing.
She took a couple of pictures, and said that the doctor would meet with me in her office after I got dressed.
My husband was with me, and held my hand as my doctor explained my infertility issue. I had PCOS…. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Both of my ovaries were covered with cysts that caused hormonal imbalances which impacted me ovulating on a regular basis or at all.
My doctor told me that rapid weight gain and other symptoms were side effects. The good news was the blood test she gave me, said that I had a viable egg supply left in my cyst covered ovaries.
My husband and I were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist who was able to treat male infertility in my husband, and my fertility issues as well.
I am grateful that my husband and I were fortunate to live in a part of the United States with access to trend setting Reproductive Health Care for men and women. Although we lived in a state with mandatory assisted reproductive health care laws, we fell into a loophole. My health insurance was through a self-insured company. My husband’s company was based out of state. Unlike many couples, we were able to pay for the treatments we needed to conceive our children.
I believe the choice to bear children should not be limited by geography or income. Freedom of choice and reproductive health rights for women should also include the ability to conceive children if they desire.
I have often thought that if I had lived in a different generation or time period, I may never have been able to bear children.
There are women all over the world who are hoping to be late.
Like me, they are part of the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility issues.
Some of the most painful things were said to me by strangers, friends and family trying to reassure or comfort me…
Just relax, it will happen when the time is right.
I’m an anxious person by nature, telling me to relax makes me worry more. Who decides when the time is “right” for me to get pregnant? My husband and I decided it was right, and it hasn’t happened.
Just be grateful that you don’t have to deal with kids right now.
When you want them more than anything, every unplanned pregnancy you hear discussed by friends or strangers feels like an affront to your womanhood and is a reminder of what you long for.
It’s not God’s will right now.
Umm, how do you know that for me and my life when I believe the opposite?
This week is National Infertility Awareness week. Statistically, either you or other couples you know are going through the arduous struggle with infertility to become parents for the first time.
Or, maybe they are experiencing issues with secondary infertility, and want to add to and grow their existing families.
Here are 3 things you can say to someone struggling with infertility that I appreciated hearing….
This must be really difficult for you.
I care about you, and love you no matter what happens.
I know how much you want to be a parent.
Don’t add a but after any of them. It will be tempting. Just don’t. And by that I mean…
But you’ll get through this
But it will all work out
But at least you have each other.
In my experience, it wasn’t what I needed or wanted at the time. It simply minimized my trial and anguish to conceive a child.
I am still late.
I’m late a lot. Even when I add in a time buffer. We held the elementary school record last year for most tardies. We had a 21 per quarter average.
There is usually a missing shoe, or homework or some other fiasco to start our hectic mornings.
I still get frustrated about being late, but now people think that it’s understandable, because I have children. It’s okay to be late. And it is… but probably not as often.
When I think about being a mother to my four precious boys,
I am glad that I’m late.
Genealogy Jen’s Challenge of the Week – Find a childless ancestor or relative and learn more about them. Record part of their story through writing a life sketch or using an audio file recording app like StoryCorps People without direct descendants deserve to be remembered.
So great that you finally got your sons. 🙂
I agree, Linda. It was worth the money, shots, pokes and prodding for it to be possible. They are miracles. 2 of my triplets are identical, because one IVF embryo split. That’s really rare.
I understand. We have an 18 year old, an almost 15 year old and a 4 year old. That big 11 year gap wasn’t by choice. It was rough.
Wonderful story! I say all the time how blessed I am that we were able to conceive when we wanted to. I spent so many years preventing it, it becomes a daunting thing when you want something so much, (what you want most in life), and you don’t even know if you can have kids. great advice for what to say when people are working through this, thank you!
Genealogy Jen – Been trying to conceive for now 3 years but when we visited a genealogist we were told that my husband is infertile. please advise.
First of all Martha, let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult process. When you want so much to have a child, it is difficult when it doesn’t happen. After we had tests that revealed that both my husband and I had issues, it was difficult for both of us emotionally. The good news, is that it is a lot less expensive to conceive with male infertility issues. The reproductive endocrinologist was able to use my husband’s sperm for our IVF treatments. They had to use an expensive process called ICIS. Here is a link explaining it. https://rscbayarea.com/ivf/icsi It was possible to use his sperm and my eggs. It was very expensive though, because neither of our bodies made it possible otherwise.
If there are are not any known reproductive issues with you, another option is to use washed donor sperm from a bank. It is screened for diseases, and often genetic abnormalities. Through an anonymous donor process, together, you can choose a donor with similar physical attributes to your spouse, so the child would resemble both of you. There are paternity releases that need to be signed to release the donor from liability and to ensure that your spouse has custodial rights for the child though not biologically related. It is around $800 per round of treatment. I know several couples that have use this option, though most do not share it with others for fear of embarrassment that it somehow changes the man’s masculinity or others thinking that it is not their child. Some do not even tell their child which can cause issues later for the child when they discover a NPE (non paternal event) through DNA testing.
Donor sperm is less likely to be rejected and less expensive than donor embryos or eggs though.
One friend used a known donor the couple agreed on to reduce costs. They had the other person involved in the child’s life. I believe that complication led to the eventual demise of their marriage. She is now married to the biological father of the child. I would advise against using a known donor. It just makes it more complicated.
Another friend I know, who had fertility issues due to her husband having testicular cancer, and her having severe endometriosis which was not improved with surgery, chose to adopt a five sibling foster group. They have an open adoption, and are amazing parents to their teenagers. Adoption can be an expensive, long process in the US. There are over 400,000 children in the US seeking care. Most are not babies. Some couples only want babies or children who resemble their racial identity. Some women really want the experience if possible of being pregnant and baring a child, though I would argue that motherhood is more than physically giving birth. I believe being a parent is deeper than shared DNA though.
Before making a decision, prayerfully consider the long term consequences together. I don’t believe that there are right or wrong answers. Talk about the what ifs of never having children, or them coming in a different way than you both imagined. It may take time to grieve over the loss of your ideal. Decide together what you feel comfortable with in terms of financial or physical lengths to achieve your goal of having a family.
Though the media shows celebrities giving birth in their 40s and late 30s all the time, most of the time, it is with medical intervention they don’t share publicly. Good luck to you both. To us, it was worth everything we went through to have our boys. I would do it again if necessary.
I will pray for you both. Good luck.