It should have been one of my most rewarding moments yet. Medals dangled from my neck, as I held my plaque. I had placed high enough to compete at DECA Nationals in my event Hospitality and Tourism. I had met the goal I set for myself.
All I could think about instead was the No Fear T-shirt Devin wore at least once a week. The T-shirt I stared at the back of in English class for 48 minutes every weekday he wore it.
Second place is the first loser.
I am a loser.
I had placed second overall in the state of Washington in my high school business marketing competition. I had worked hard taking numerous practice exams. I spent hours rehearsing in role play business exercises. I had visualized them calling me up to the stage to receive an award, and they did.
All I could think when I watched that girl with the perfectly spiral, permed, blonde hair accept first place, was that I lost.
I placed in the top 20 overall at the DECA National Competition 6 weeks later. I was awarded medals, and stood on a podium in front of over 10,000 people to have ribbons placed around my neck. Only the top 10 received college scholarship prize money.
I was a loser.
The second place is a failure mindset has robbed me of experiencing joy. I have missed savoring my accomplishments. It has spilled over into other areas of my life as well.
The nagging perfectionism to compare my achievements to others, and sell myself short usually starts with an only.
You finished a triathlon, but you only finished in the bottom third.
You gained new followers/ readers, but you only have _____.
You did your best, but you’re only a loser.
My fear of failure has prevented me from attempting things as well.
I was ranked in the top 10% of my high school graduating class. I didn’t apply for any college scholarships.
My senior year in Arkansas, I won one $15 check for my voice of democracy essay contest I entered through a local NPR station.
I placed 2nd in the state.
Until recently, I kept the medal I won with my check untouched in a drawer. I was ashamed of placing second.
I am afraid of doing my best and failing, because I am competing with a first place ideal that is impossible to beat. I always fall short, and 2nd place is the first loser.
I am a loser.
Self-help books and articles, hours of therapy, and surrounding myself with tangible mementos of my accomplishments only create temporary delays to my eventual mental defeat. My inner critic wins first place, regardless of what I achieve, beating me down in the process.
I am afraid of doing my best and failing, because I have already failed.
I continue to fail most days.
I have done my best for nearly 4 decades to defeat my inner critic, and I have failed.
I have come in second place.
Second place is the first loser, but I refuse to quit. No fear. Eventually, I will beat my critic and be first.
Genealogy Jen’s Challenge of the Week– What robs you of joy? What makes you feel like a winner?
Bonus points – What have you done to silence your inner critic?
Putting myself out there and blogging has definitely brought that fear of failure. I read once that when you feel that fear of failure, you’re doing something worthwhile. I try to remember that and it helps. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! How amazing that you got second place in your business competition! I was in DECA one year but I never competed. I was a little scared.
Jen I was in a similar business type club but the name escapes me. It was 1990 so forgive me for forgetting! But I placed 3rd in the state for a speech I gave and I remember that feeling too – of where I should be excited to have placed at all, but feeling so down because I wasn’t first. I don’t understand how that works where your brain converts a win into a loss somehow. I’d love to understand that mechanic in my head. So annoying. My grandma, who was there that day, told me afterwards when she saw I was so upset “Well, if you’re going to lose, be the best loser you can possibly be.” That was the singular most odd piece of advice I ever got from her. LOL
Interesting impact from a t-shirt. I’m sure you would have struggled a bit anyway, but seeing that phrase over and over probably fed your natural perfectionism. I also grew up in Washington! Kennewick. You?
Jen, I married a “loser”!! He came in second place in everything he did, except marriage. Just remember, David Archuleta came in second, too. I can’t even tell you who the winner was that year.
Words escape me that placing second makes you feel like a loser. Are you a firstborn? If not, that could be the root of your problem. I don’t know how to respond to that feeling of being a loser. I am always so pleased when I place at all because I’ve never considered myself extremely good at anything. As a child I would toot my own horn if I achieved a goal. Winning is one of the ways that tell us “I have value”. I guess age has changed me because now I know I have value and I don’t need a prize to prove it.
I still enter contests. Screenwriting contests. Mostly because it gives me a chance to put my work out there and get feedback so I can see what it is I need to improve. When I get good enough to win, seeing my work produced will be my prize.
I have rarely been a winner in first place, but the way I look at it is that even if I was in the top 5, I had done better than the rest of those who competed.
The only way to overcome that ‘second place is a loser’ syndrome is to replace it with ‘Look how many people I did better than!’
Great read, thank you so much for sharing! I can completely relate on so many levels. I can relate in a school and professional level huge…One dance thing that comes to mind is that for a couple years in a row I made it to the finals for the sonics dance team and practiced with the team for weeks and was cut before performing. A lot of work was put in and I still feel like a loser because I never actually was on the court in sequins 🙂 love you and your blog girl.