Wow. That’s a lot of junk food you’ve got there.
I turned and smiled at the guy behind me in line eyeing the contents of my grocery cart as I set items on the conveyor belt to check out. “Yes it is, but it’s New Year’s Eve. It’s a night to splurge.”
“Well, that’s still an awful lot of chips for you to eat.”
I heard the implication in his tone of voice and saw it in his facial expression. You shouldn’t be eating that. Why aren’t you on a diet? I was being fat shamed. Shamed by a stranger at the grocery store. Two hours ago, I was feeling fantastic about the way I looked today. I felt like I was channeling Audrey Hepburn from Sabrina. I was wearing my vintage plum wool coat, black turtleneck and red lipstick. I was wearing pants that hadn’t fit in over a year. I had felt so great this morning, I took a selfie and updated my Facebook profile. I placed the last bottle of sparkling cider on the conveyor belt. I turned, made direct eye contact with him, and plastered my best smile I cultivated during 15+ years of customer service work.
“Well, it’s a good thing that I’ve lost 13 pounds already during the holidays with all of the running I’ve been doing. I can eat as much of this as I want, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it at all.”
“Huh…. How’d ya manage to lose weight during the holidays?”
“I have will power.”
In the past, I would have felt the need to explain or justify my grocery cart contents. I might have told this self-appointed food police officer that I have 4 boys at home that will eat most of the chips over the course of the next 2 weeks in their school lunches. I would have mentioned we usually only grocery shop once every two weeks, or less for the six of us. I would have pointed out that the chips were buy one, get one free, and I saved $4.29.
I would have said we were dipping our Keebler cookies in chocolate fondue, because I was too exhausted this year to whip up any cookies from scratch. I would have told him that this was the third store I’d been to in the last hour gathering ingredients for our special New Year’s Eve family fondue dinner, and my car was full of produce for the organic salad with which we were beginning our feast.
I wanted to poke his protruding middle-aged belly with my finger out of spite, and make the Pillsbury dough boy giggle noise, or some other snarky remark about his body mass index. But I didn’t.
None of that matters.
If he had said, “Hey, can I come to your house for dinner? Those chips look great.” I probably would have would have laughed. I may have even opened the bag and offered him a few after I paid for them.
But, he didn’t say that to me.
Is a 5’4″ medium-sized lady really going to drink 6 bottles of sparkling cider, cherry 7-up, 3 bags of chips, 3 types of cookies, garlic bread, salami, triscuts, jumbo marshmallows, a red and green bell pepper and a bottle of white balsamic vinegar by herself in one sitting? And, so what if I did?
Public shaming comes as a natural response too easily to most of us. It is a lot easier to point out differences or flaws than seek to show understanding for strangers.
Some people may not show outward signs of their trials or troubles. But we can show compassion, and give strangers the benefit of the doubt. Not everybody is a jerk.
Maybe, the guy behind me in line wasn’t fat shaming me at all.
Spread compassion for strangers. Forgive someone you know… like a family member.
Assume that person wasn’t trying to hurt you.
Or maybe they did mean to hurt you, but you can fight back by choosing to let it go.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to spend time with a past abuser. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept what happened is okay. It doesn’t mean you have to communicate with the person at all.
Letting go of the hurt someone caused you leaves more room for love and peace in your life. 2016 could be the year that you choose peace.
Genealogy Jen’s Challenge of the Week If you haven’t seen the dramatization of David Foster Wallace’s This is Water, watch it. Watch it again if you’ve seen it, because it’s that good.
Bonus Points : Let me know what you want to see more of in 2016 on Repurposed Genealogy – DIY Craft ideas? Digital Genealogy research tips? Memoir pieces? I welcome your feedback (unless it’s embarrassing or mean, and then I’ll just pretend like it didn’t really happen like some of the guys I dated in my early 20’s. )
I think you found the balance between being a doormat and responding in an unkind, rude way…it’s a hard balance to achieve. I’ve found that a bright, smiling response is best [for me, YMMV]; I probably would have responded with something like, “It IS a lot of food, junk and otherwise. I’m so blessed to be able to share with family and friends as we celebrate together.” Going positive in response to the negative doesn’t always change the course of the interaction, but it sure makes me feel better about myself in the long run.
Thanks! I’m really good at coming up with what I wish I said after the fact. It’s hard to respond when you’re caught off guard. I agree with your point about being a doormat also. Allowing rude behavior gives people the idea that it’s acceptable/ or we agree with them. My mom told me, “Some people are jerks. Just kill them with kindness.” When people we would scream at me about their coffee not being right, I’d remind myself that it wasn’t usually about the coffee. It was that they had a fight with their significant other or they were on their way to a soul-killing job. Thank you for reading my blog, and for your thoughtful comment!
Well said, Jen! Forgiving a careless remark sure drops the weight from one’s shoulders. Literally and figuratively. Happy New Year Lady. Hope your evening last night was as fun as your grocery cart list. I made chili and taco salad and cream cheese with raspberry jam and a bag full of Tostitos and a box of fancy crackers. It was fun. And we watched The Thin Man marathon on TMC and laughed and laughed. A good night.
Happy New Year. I think I gained the 13 pounds you lost over the holiday season, but it will come off too. Time. Time…oh, yeah. That.
Thanks Janet! I’ve always said I have enough baggage without carrying anyone else’s with me too. Our meal was wonderful. I enjoy quality food, and the holidays allow me to splurge on the expensive stuff we don’t usually buy. The boys loved the “flaming turtle” chocolate fondue. We used Ghirardelli semi sweet chocolate and caramel sauce. It was topped with 151 rum we lit on fire. Then, pecans sprinkled on top. Any food you light on fire is cool. (Unless it’s an accident and you’ve burned something.) I’m glad to hear your NYE was full of fun and laughter. I’m a firm believer the way you spend NYE and day is an indicator for your year. (That should mean more joy and laughter for you.) This post created my most views in one day on WP and broke my record for most views of a single post. I’m taking that as a good omen for 2016. I told a stranger, for the first time today, that I’m a writer. I usually talk about all the other hats I wear instead. Sometimes, you’ve got to embrace what scares you and makes you feel the most vulnerable, because that’s how you grow to meet your potential. It’s -5 now. We’re expecting more snow this week which hopefully warms it up a bit. I think I need to message you my address for that blanket… and invent self-warming gloves. Do you make a dip by pouring the jam on the cream cheese? I’ve done that with salsa or coctail sauce and baby shrimp.
Thanks for liking my post Jen 🙂
No problem! It was really an eye opening reminder for me to recognize how culture can impact marriages. PS I love red lipstick. It’s part of my signature look…. except in the summer, and then it’s more hot pink or a simple corral gloss.
I’m really glad to hear that! Red lipstick is a sign of being a female at heart! I absolutely love it too!
Jen, you handled that situation so well. I have five grown children, four boys and a girl. I can totally understand how fast food can When they were all younger and living at home, we would go through about a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread a day. You should have seen my shopping cart with all of those gallons of milk inside. I had the occasional comment from a fellow shopper, not snarky or anything though.
Happy New Year!
Oops, I pressed “post comment” before I deleted my partial sentence. 🙂
Thanks Jana! It can be hard in the moment to show restraint. I go through about a gallon of milk a day, sometimes more. And mine aren’t even teenagers yet. One time, a grocery checker thought I was an extreme couponer, because I had a whole cart full of cereal. “Nope. I have four boys, and it’s on sale.” Thank you for reading my blog!
What a wonderful comeback! I always think of a great comeback an hour later! 🙂 A fondue dinner sounds like an amazing way to celebrate & end the year too!
Thanks Josette! I’m usually replaying conversations in my head later thinking of what I should have said, or how I could have worded something also. I love having fondue for New Year’s because it’s a social food. Plus, we usually do at least a starter salad, cheese fondue and then chocolate fondue. We usually eat in courses over a couple of hours. Sometimes we do a meat one with cocavin style where we cook the meat in a flavored wine broth. I love quality ingredients and it’s a real treat. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting! What special foods remind you of the New Year?