Sunbathing on the deck with my mom, at 17, I was imagining my future life. Would I get married and have kids first, or would it be my younger brother? I mentioned that I would like to be the first one to have kids.
My mom interrupted my stream of consciousness chatter, “You know you’re not your dad’s only daughter right?”
Her words slapped me.
“What do you mean, Mom?”
“Your dad had another daughter before I married him. He was never married to the other woman. It was when he was in the army, before he joined the church. He never bothered to tell me about it until the day you were born. That’s so typical for your father though.” She took another sip of her drink, shaking her head. “No communication. Another reason I couldn’t stay married to him.” She continued after another pause for a drink, “I met her and her mother once, when I was still married to him. It was before you were born. I think she was about four then.”
She paused, noting the stunned look on my face before continuing defensively, “He obviously never mentioned anything to you about it before. Not surprising. Go ahead,” she challenged, “Ask him about it if you don’t believe me.”
I don’t remember how long her words twisted in my mind before I asked my dad about it. Or why she chose that moment to tell me.
I was in Dad’s backyard for an every-other-weekend visit. I remember knowing that I needed to directly confront him about the issue. That’s what Montel Williams did to the guests on his show. He discovered the messy truth.
I waited until my step-mom went inside the house, to set the table for dinner. Dad and I were on his deck barbecuing chicken.
I looked up from the bowl of sauce I held while he brushed it on the drumsticks,”Am I your only daughter?”
“Yeah, of course you’re my daughter.” He didn’t look up from his basting.
“No. I mean, did you have another daughter before you had me? Before you married mom?”
He held his brush mid-air and turned to face me, “Geeze, Jennifer, where’s this coming from?” He analyzed the concern on my face, “What’s your mother been saying to you?”
I noticed he didn’t deny anything. I let the story of her recent revelation spill out between sobs.
“Geeze. I really wish she hadn’t of told you that. It wasn’t her place to say anything to you. It’s mine.
Yeah, I had a daughter with someone that I was with before your mom. We never got married. She started dating someone else, while I was away in the army. She ended up marrying him. That guy adopted my daughter, to raised her as his own.”
“Have you seen or talked to her?” I sniffled.
“No.”
“Okay.” I paused, “When were you going to tell me about her?”
“Never? I don’t know. I guess, I was going to wait until she tried to get a hold of me someday if she ever did. You really don’t need to worry about this at all,” He said as he hugged me.
Christa found my dad less than a year later.
Jen and Jeff
We usually share more of our life span with our siblings than other family members. Siblings can offer us the unique perspective of shared childhood experiences. They are our companions in the photographs documenting our most memorable childhood experiences. They may have been there the first time you rode a bike, clapping in the audience at your school play, and sharing a tent on your first family camp out. Our siblings are woven into the stories of our past. There may be disagreements about whose fault it was when the pillow broke the lamp, but they already know your back story. Typically, they were there experiencing it with you.
A sibling bond can span longer than the parents and grandparents you out live. It usually lasts longer than the time with your children, who typically out live you.
Jerry and Judi
After seeing my Facebook feed filled with smiling siblings for National Siblings Day, I planned to write about my fantastic sibling bond with my little brother, Jeffery.
I thought about being the 3rd generation of 2 kids, more specifically, an older sister with younger brother.
Until I realized that’s not true. It’s only part of the story.
Sometimes, we have broken branches to mend in our family trees.
Families relationships can be messy. Our family has a pattern of messy dynamics.
The Dysfunctional Miller Family
Estelle and Ray
My paternal grandmother Margaret Estelle Miller and her younger brother Raymond Gregory Miller were raised in California by their paternal grandparents.
Alice and Joe Miller shouldered the responsibility of raising Estelle and Ray shortly after their mother Marion Marie Kaiser Miller died from complications due to Ray’s birth in 1920.
Estelle and Ray got a step-mother, Zelma Beulah Davis Miller, on June 1, 1921 when their dad Raymond James remarried. Alice and Joe continued to raise Estelle and Ray with the exception of a brief period, in her late teens, when Estelle lived with her dad and Zelma.
Zelma Buelah Davis Miller
4 days before the 4 year anniversary of his wife Marion’s death, Raymond James and Zelma Miller had a son. Robert James Miller was born 26 March, 1924. They called him Bob.
After Raymond James Miller’s death in 1964, family legend has it that Uncle Bob made sure everyone was written out of the will except for him and his immediate family. Though there had been provisions for extended family in the multi-million dollar estate, it was changed. My great-grandfather Raymond James Miller had built enough wealth as a paint chemist and manufacturer for all 3 of his biological children, their descendants and even nieces and nephews. The story is that no one got anything except for Uncle Bob.
Allegedly, Uncle Bob gave his sister, brother, and the rest of the family the shaft. More than the money, it was the family mementos that my relatives were most upset about. Estelle didn’t get any family pictures of Alice or Joseph Miller who had raised her. The only Miller family pictures I have are from a single scrapbook Ray compiled and kept for decades.
The severed Miller branch on my family tree has made the task of breaking through my biggest genealogical brick wall very challenging.
Alice Miller with son Frank Miller
It doesn’t help that Alice Miller chose to name her sons the most common names for boys the years they were born.
The right Zelma Miller was a heck of a lot easier to find in California than Frank Miller, Joe Miller, Raymond Miller or Mitchell Miller have been.
A sibling bond can be full of laughter and fun and memories.
But sometimes, it’s not.
Unlike friends, you don’t choose your siblings. Sometimes, siblings give you the shaft.
Maybe, you endured abuse or torment from your sibling. Years, haven’t erased the pain of your trauma.
Perhaps, the occasional family reunion or holiday dinner is entirely too long to spend around your emotionally toxic sister. You love her, but don’t like her.Years of therapy haven’t changed that.
Maybe you have so many step, adopted, half or partial siblings, you can’t keep them all straight. That’s okay.
Life can be messy.
Life’s not an 80’s TV sitcom episode. There aren’t shenanigans, parental apologies for misunderstandings, conflict resolution, and commercial breaks in under 30 minutes.
Life with siblings can bring plenty of shenanigans… and antics too. Sometimes, we don’t get the resolutions or apologies we hope for though.
Thankfully, I have a loving, healthy sibling relationship with my younger brother, Jeffery. I have worked on having one with my surprise sister Christa also.
We don’t choose our families, or whether or not family members have hurt us in the past. We can choose how we choose to frame our family stories.
Pa and Ma Miller (Joe and Alice) with Ray
I’m not angry with Uncle Bob Miller or any of the Millers. While I wouldn’t turn down an inheritance check someday, I would rather have a relationship with the Miller relatives. This blog post is just one of the steps I am taking to find them. Hopefully, our generation can repair relationships that were damaged in the past.
You may have dark secrets and broken branches on your family tree. You may have a surprise sibling, or discover a whole secret family line as you research your ancestry. You don’t chose your family, but you can choose to embrace them, and all of their messiness and brokenness.
You can choose mend the broken branches on your family tree.
Sisters Christa and Jen 2015
Please contact me if you are interested in hiring me as a public speaker to present at your next conference or event- Mending Broken Branches in Your Family Tree – Reconciling Abuse, Adoption, Illegitimacy, and Divorce is just one of my lecture topics.
Genealogy Jen’s Challenge of the Week – What branch in your family tree needs mending? What will you do to start that process today?
Bonus points for taking the time to reach out and talk to a sibling. If you’re an only child, like my friend Molly, friends become family. Reach out to an old friend that hasn’t heard from you in a while.
This is a very informative post, since I am doing a course on Family, Relationships and Human psychology. Yesterday I was working on genograms and how they mention the broken branches in the tree. Every time your posts are so indepth and worth pondering. I learn a lot from your posts.
From where I come, it will be difficult to contemplate, decipher and accept such situations. But I am sure, we are not far from where broken branches will need to be mend.
Thanks for sharing. Cheers to your spirit.
Thank you for reading, Bhanu for your positive comments.
I loved the classes I took at University that were related to marriage, home, family, and human development. They have been the most useful for real life applications. I think that no matter how “broken” you think your family is, it can be mended. Sometimes, it is not possible to physically make amends with someone. We can choose not to let hurt or anger be what we dwell on.
Jennifer-I love how you shared a bit of our story to help encourage others who are faced with a similar situation.
For me, it is always a struggle to know that I have a half sister and brother who live so far away. Wishing that we could be better siblings and do all the fun sibling activities and share our family events.
In spite of our distance and busy lives, I appreciate any time I get to communicate with you.
You are a wonderfully bright, beautiful and charismatic woman and I’m proud to call you my sister.
Love Ya…Christa
I love you too, Christa. I look forward to making new memories with you soon.
Awe it is so true! I think only children may even value their friendships differently/more deeply! (But it’s hard to compare not knowing what it’s like to be a sib). 🙂
I thought you’d appreciate a shout out Molly. The people I know who are only children value their friendships a lot.
You hit me in the heart with that one. I was going through my pictures yesterday and found one of my foster sister named Christina…. we raised her from 3 days until 4 years old and then they took her away. She’d been adopted by a family. I think at 9/10 years old, you don’t really grasp that this kid you’re living with and getting attached to can be given to another family at any moment. I looked at her little face in that picture…. I wonder about her so much. Does she have kids now? What’s she doing for a living? I doubt she remembers us but she certainly left her mark on my life. That’s a branch I’d love to add back into my tree.
If she was adopted, she probably would appreciate having pictures of her early years, and shared childhood memories. You would be surprised what people can remember. It doesn’t hurt to try to find her or reach out, as long as you manage expectations. Also, She might be looking for you.
I’ve wondered about that. I don’t even know if they kept her name as Christina. I might ask my dad what he knows about her adoption, if anything.
Ask him while you can, and he’s able to. Even if you don’t take action right away, the details he shares now, can make a difference later.
Wonderful post, Jen. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know from experience that it’s hard to write about the less-than-positive relationships that are in some families.
Thank you Amy! I appreciate you reading and commenting. It would be easier to write about sunshine and rainbows, but our broken branches are still part of our family tree whether we acknowledge them or not. From conversations I have had with people, it is what prevents a lot of them from researching their ancestry, and doing family history work. The power of choice, and choosing how to frame those family stories is a very powerful thing.
Loved the post I have a similar situation with a twist my father has 7 children all girls I’m the oldest and he signed his rights over for one of my sister’s and I haven’t seen her in years and we just recently met up! I do plan on blogging about it but I want to start a series about a broken child looking for her real father! It’s post like these that make me want to tell my story and not be ashamed. Thank you!
Wow. That would be an amazing story to tell. I would read it.
I love your final thought – that we can all mend branches on our family trees that may be broken. Thank you for the uplifting post!
I’m glad that you got to meet your sister. God is good. God is using you to be a blessing to those you met. Best of luck on your journey encouraging others. 🙂
God is good, Susan. I am so grateful when He trusts me enough to be an instrument in His hands. In life it can be challenging to recognize what is of lasting value, and what’s just a distraction. Thank you for your encouragement, and example of faith.
You’re welcome!
Jen, the more I read, the more I feel a kindred spirit with you. I too am our family genealogist. I’ve hit several walls through the years and had a miraculous clearing up of one branch or should I say breakthrough while perusing the obituaries one day. I spotted a family name and began reading the list of folks preceding the man in death and lo and behold, there were the great aunt and uncle names I’d heard of from my grandmother who took 95% of her stories to her grave. I googled and Facebook searched, then contacted the living son who happened to live in my city as did his newly deceased father, in a nursing home a few miles away—If I had only known, he could have answered so many questions! But, my mother and I went to a family reunion on that branch of the tree that we never knew existed. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your story. It’s fascinating and must be very useful to so many folks.
BTW I want to press the FOLLOW button but somehow, don’t see it. Guidance please? Thanks.
Thank you! I have completely redesigned my website, and am working out the kinks. I didn’t realize my follow button was missing. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I will try to fix it today.
Conflict always brings opportunity in genealogy. Bringing it together is the challenge for genealogists.
Great point Bob! I agree
HI Jen, thank you so much for sharing this. It is so true that life isn’t an 80s sitcom, we need to talk about real stories so that people don’t feel alone. Warmest, Amy
You are correct in your article, life is definitely not like we see on the sitcom shows.
Appreciate you sharing your story and how reaching out can help. Growing up our parents didn’t “get along” with various relations which left us children out in left field somewhere.
Fortunately we the children were able to link up much later in life with some of those cousins and none of us could ever figure out why we weren’t able to be friends then, but have moved on and keep in touch now.
Thanks Claire! I’m glad that you enjoyed it. The best part of growing up is realizing that we can create the relationships we want to have with people… even if it’s messy sometimes.
Hi there Jen, this story is quiet familiar. I have 4 brothers and two sisters. With 2 brothers had a dispute. My oldest brother is from the same father and about 38 years ago we had a argue and dispute we never talked for 25 years his wife woul not let him 😉 when he divorced here he and his son came back in contact, under one condition, no more words over what happend so many years ago. We where never that close than before, be it so we just met and he decided to follow his dream and that was to open a hotel in the French Alpes 😉 and so he did and succesfull never regretted it a moment 😉 we are more on the phone than ever 🙂 And my youngest brother after several years of also a stupid argue whe met again and his 5 children in the meantime had a new uncles that heard talk about but never have seen 😉 Yes my mother was married 3 times and one thing we all hate is the word half-sister and half-brother we are all brothers and sisters togheter for the record 🙂 and let nobody come between us .. it’s one big wall know that no one can break. Then I don’t even mention my wife they are with 12 children and that is an even stronger bond they are all still alive 😉 17 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren… every household has his story.. this was a small part of mine 😉 Werner Vols
A few thoughts. Family are the people who have invested resources in you and vice versa. I have step-everything’s. Up and down the family. Where ever possible I have completed the Temple ordinances (and I mean, a lot). Sadly, I find that DNA relations don’t mean as much as shared experiences. What do you talk about with people you’ve never met before and that you (me) have worked diligently to locate? No return calls, no letters, no joy at bringing people together. I am glad for positivity; I feel that shared experiences are more meaningful than biological relations. And money? Don’t get me started. Filthy lucre. “The love of money is the root of all evil”. Powerful, sad and oh-so-temporary words. Family History is wonderful. Many times, the people aren’t.