There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. It’s a tightrope I’ve balanced on many times. I’ve spent a lot of time learning about famous gifted people. Brilliant artists, writers, musicians, entrepreneurs. Part of what makes them so profoundly brilliant at what they do, aside from talent, or IQ, is a single minded focus on their passion.
Their dogged determination to pursue their passion at the cost of all other things is what makes most of these people great. Marriages and relationships crumble. Personal hygiene becomes optional. Mundane tasks like eating and sleeping are shoved aside to make room for their pursuit.
Nothing else matters, including at times, their own well being.
My 36th fear is of losing my mind, because I know how easily it can happen.
I am afraid of losing my mind, because sometimes my brain lies to me.
It tells me I’m worthless, and everyone else would be better off without me. It tells me that I can’t…
There are times that I see things that other people don’t see or hear.
The things I see and hear aren’t always negative. Most times, I view them as spiritual promptings.
I view them as psychic impressions or creative sparks or insight.
It does make me wonder if I documented everything that I saw or heard if I would be committed to a mental institution or labeled with some psychiatric disorder.
What if the only difference between the people who see and hear things that are viewed as prophets and mediums versus the mentally ill who are institutionalized is whether or not anyone else believes they are sane?
What if no one believed I was sane? Click To TweetWhat if no one believed I was sane?
I found my biological great, great grandfather on census records. Alice Miller’s husband that was never talked about except for a last name. Estelle’s biological grandfather.
He was listed as a patient in the records of a mental hospital on the 1920 and 1930 census records.
It is where he died.
On his death certificate, one of the contributing factors to his death of liver failure was senility. I’m assuming alcoholism, my 4th fear, was a major contributing factor to his death.
Alcoholism has been a repeating family pattern.
People were institutionalized for various reasons in those days. In my research of mental health facilities through out the history of America, Language barriers and poverty increased the likely hood of commitment to a mental hospital.
So did alcoholism.
My great-great grandfather had the unfortunate trifecta of being a poor, immigrant alcoholic.
My brother tried to soothe me by reminding me that workers in steel mills were exposed to toxic chemicals.
Chemicals can alter brain chemistry.
Like the mad hatters.
But deep down, I know that if I’m not careful to fight my way back through depressive cycles, or to silence the negative thoughts, they can consume me.
Because they have before.
And they’ve almost won.
I read an article about cognitive biases and the way the brain subconsciously works to reinforce them. There is a graphic representation of the biases that has been shared in recent articles about politics and race.
Our brains are wired to find supporting data for what we believe.
This can work to our benefit if we control our personal narratives and put a positive spin on it. Like I’ve wrote about recently with the words we choose to describe our families.
Our brains can also work to lie to us and trick us into believing falsehoods.
Like mine tries to do.
Sometimes my brain lies to me, and tells me that I am worthless.
Life isn’t worth the struggle.
No one understands me.
I am alone.
When those negative thoughts weave their way into my psyche and take root, they are difficult to remove.
They have a tendency with the way my brain is wired to take root quickly. They spread their barbed roots deep within me and they strangle out my positive thoughts.
I begin to believe my brains lies, because they become rational to me.
There is corroborating evidence to support those toxic lies I filter through the lens of my life perception. The more negative I notice, the more I see.
Until it’s all that I see and believe.
If I have such a brilliant, gifted brain, why would it lie to me?
But does. Mine brain is constantly spinning whoppers for me to unravel.
Real or not real?
If you’ve ever struggled with depression or it’s twin sister anxiety like I have, you know what I am talking about.
It feels hopeless.
Because you believe your brain, and circumstantial evidence it uses to build a wall of lies to trap you under its weight.
Where escape seems impossible.
But it’s not.
It may just take time to rip out that parasitic thought by the roots.
To carefully remove the bricks, one at a time, that constructed the walls of isolation you’re hiding behind.
Even though it seems overwhelming, you can do it.
Because I have.
Start by shifting your life filter.
Focus on Joy.
Genealogy Jen’s Challenge of the Week – Thoughts are powerful. What has worked to help you shift yours?
Jen, I heard voices (or maybe The Voice) most of my life. I’d hear my name called, turn around, no one there. And yes, I had the negative voices that beat me up, too. I learned to retrain my brain’s negative chatter with two commands: The first was “I’m okay” when I was beating myself up. The second one that really worked well was a single command, “Trust.” It took some years, but it worked. Some years ago there was an interesting movie called What the Bleep….Do we know? And in it, researchers talked of the way the brain channels information over and over along the same synapses. The task is to reroute the chatter. I did that with the word command, Trust. As for The Voice, I’ve learned to trust it. A few years ago, I came across a brilliant book, Muses, Madmen, and Prophets by Daniel B. Smith. Until I read it, I didn’t even know hearing voices is a sign of schizophrenia! That was a surprise. Lol. And people are often misdiagnosed. My voices are more in the Prophet/Muse category. The point is, the brain is retrain-able. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much for sharing this Janet. I’m glad I’m not alone. I love your idea about retraining your brain. That’s what I’ve been working on this past year with facing my fears. It can be a slow process sometimes… Or maybe it’s not slow, but I’m impatient to have everything fixed at once. It can be difficult to realize that the small simple victories lead to greater personal growth and change. That book sounds interesting for sure. I’m looking forward to sharing my post next week about what I have been working on to shift my mental focus to be more positive. It’s working. Thanks for the hugs. PS We had rain mixed with snow yesterday. I’m working on clearing out the garage to park in it again soon. Winter is on its way.
Sad but interesting because it’s important that we uncover what happened to these people. I have found one relative who died in a mental hospital. I also have found some ancestors who had trouble with the law, and I suspect it was alcoholism (some brothers in the Netherlands).
I agree Luanne. There is a cemetery of a former mental hospital in New York with only numbers as cement markers. No names. No dates. I think it’s important to tell everyone’s story, even if that means it can be more twisted than a Greek tragedy.
Oh, that is so sad that they have no names or dates.
It is. New York has privacy restrictions and they won’t allow the information to be released to memorialize them. https://inmatesofwillard.com/about/
For two days I’ve had the hardest time responding to you through WordPress. I don’t know what it is! Privacy restrictions to protect who–the state for treating people like numbers? I found a relative in a mental institution and they gave his surname wrong on his obituary–it was so difficult to find him. He lived there for decades. They couldn’t remember his last name?
I’m sorry to hear that. Thanks for the heads up. I think it’s has something to do with Jetpak. I’m working on a resolution today.
Very interesting and important piece; thanks!
Thanks Saye, and thank you for sharing it.
Interesting.
I’m convinced the people in the worst shape emotionally have terrible inner dialogues. I sometimes think I can hear them. Okay, I feel it. I feel their feelings, so I know it must be bad in there.
So much of repeating behavior is due to repeated thoughts.
Great food for thought here.
Oooh Joey, I think you nailed it. I know that the worse my inner dialogue is, my emotional state suffers for sure. That gives me more to think about. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing! Well done, and very brave. And important for everyone to know what others deal with. I love the mental cheerleaders you create. I also love that you said to focus on joy. I just read an article that compares your brain to a garden and that whatever we plant will grow and what we prune can go away. Basically that we can remove negativity from our thoughts as we are mindful and focus on the good, like you mentioned. The article was much more eloquent and also fascinating – https://www.fastcompany.com/3059634/your-most-productive-self/your-brain-has-a-delete-button-heres-how-to-use-it
Great article. Thanks for sharing it Nicole I totally agree.